Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
