wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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