All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
