I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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