She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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