If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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