if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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