why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
