Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
