I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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