I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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