'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
