Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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