Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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