Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
