sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
