he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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