so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
