if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
operation have a gay friend backfired
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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