Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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