I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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