Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
