uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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