You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he thought i was a dude.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize