Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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