Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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