so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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