No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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