I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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