when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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