I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Mom said you looked used
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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