my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
