I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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