Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
