cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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