He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
