wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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