I accidentally had phone sex last night
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
