my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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