I wish my penis had an off switch
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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