Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
