i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
