i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize