I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
