I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
