dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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