so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
