This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
