i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
