There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
