as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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