True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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