five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
