Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
