last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
