i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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