I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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