You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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