I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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